She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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