I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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