walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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