I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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