She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
