I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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