I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
