why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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