I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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