why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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