The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
