This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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