theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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