he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
