Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
