Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
