Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
