Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she peed on how many people?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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