please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Pants are for mortals
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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