Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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