At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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