did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
