i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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