Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize