I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
