I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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