On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
