i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
