The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
