If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
do herpes really smell.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
