his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
