fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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