We're facebook friends in real life
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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