my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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