you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dignity is for republicans.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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