College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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