you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize