True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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