i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
