fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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