Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
