Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
