Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize