legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
