Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Randomize
