It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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