I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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