I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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