I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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