Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
