I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
