hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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