I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
