We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
